Hu Tao Is Monetizing My Existence. [5]

Hu Tao cleared her throat, then announced in a solemn yet enthusiastic tone,

“Jiang Bai! From now on, you are the very first member of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s ‘Returning to One’s Roots’ division!”

Jiang Bai tilted his head.

Standing on a nearby stone, Hu Tao threw an arm around his shoulder and dramatically gestured toward the horizon.

“Soon, the entire continent of Teyvat will know the name of Jiang Bai, the Soul Ferryman of Liyue! Lost travelers will await your arrival to take them home, fallen adventurers will have their final wishes fulfilled, and wandering souls will find their way at last!”

Listening to her grand speech, all Jiang Bai could see was a massive pie flying straight toward him—one big enough to completely engulf him.

He took a metaphorical bite.

Crunch.

Rock solid.

Hu Tao patted his shoulder, her cheeks still flushed with excitement. “So? What do you think? Isn’t my idea amazing?!”

As the humble new recruit, Jiang Bai had no choice but to plaster on a smile and clap along.

“Amazing! Absolutely amazing! Director Hu, your business sense is unparalleled!”

Finding corpses in who-knows-where and delivering them back home? Just hearing about it already sounded exhausting. It was bound to be tedious, time-consuming, and likely dangerous.

But as the newly arrived, powerless Jiang Bai, he couldn’t exactly refuse.

So, he could only accept his fate with a ‘Wow, my boss is so kind to me’ expression while internally shedding tears.

“I still need to work out the logistics and discuss the process with the undertakers,” Hu Tao said, giving herself a firm pat on the back. Then, with a quick turn, she disappeared.

Jiang Bai stood frozen in place, staring after her.

A gust of wind blew past, swirling fallen leaves in the air.

…Wasn’t she supposed to show him the back courtyard?

He still didn’t even know where he was sleeping tonight!

But what could he do? The ever-energetic Director Hu was always jumping from one thought to the next. Left with no other choice, Jiang Bai sighed and decided to fend for himself.

Jiang Bai wandered through Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, greeting everyone he came across.

Within half a day, all the employees knew about the new hire—personally recruited by Director Hu herself.

And, according to the rumors, he was a poor amnesiac.

Under the sympathetic gazes of his new coworkers, Jiang Bai happily accepted a towel, a cup, a toothbrush, and even a fresh set of clothes. A kindhearted colleague even led him to his room.

Honestly, being an amnesiac was turning out to be pretty useful.

People naturally lowered their voices around him, and even the more serious employees softened their expressions. Some of the gentler young women actively restrained themselves from looking too sympathetic, worried that it might make him feel worse.

But for Jiang Bai, that wasn’t a problem at all.

Sympathy?

As long as it benefits me, please, feel free to sympathize!

Since he had mentioned wanting to try sleeping in a coffin, the pallbearers had already moved one into his room. Against the wall sat a sleek black coffin—giving his room a very fitting Wangsheng Funeral Parlor aesthetic.

That said, all the proper furniture was still there. His bed was neatly made with fresh cotton bedding, complete with a full matching set of sheets, blankets, and pillows.

The room had excellent lighting, with sunlight streaming in through the windows, casting a warm glow over the wooden desk.

There were also shelves, a wardrobe, and other essential furnishings, all empty and waiting for their new owner to settle in.

Jiang Bai had to admit—the perks at Wangsheng Funeral Parlor were actually quite decent.

Not only was food covered, but every employee got their own private room. Even if he didn’t take part in Hu Tao’s ‘Returning to One’s Roots’ project, he could still make a comfortable living as an undertaker.

After looking around, Jiang Bai was very satisfied.

“Big Hilichurl is sick, so Small Hilichurl calls~” he hummed absentmindedly as he grabbed his new clothes and headed for the bathhouse.

Halfway there, he suddenly stopped in his tracks.

Then, he smacked himself on the forehead.

Damn it. Director Hu’s song is cursed!

That weird melody was now stuck in his head on repeat. It was like an earworm burrowing into his brain, completely impossible to ignore.

He racked his brain for another tune—any tune.

“Knife-a, knife-a, knife-knife, the butcher’s knife~”

After much effort, he finally dredged up a vaguely familiar melody.

With great difficulty, he managed to overwrite the Hilichurl song from his thoughts.

…Wait, was I a butcher before?

Pondering this newfound mystery, Jiang Bai stepped into the bathhouse and took what was likely his first proper bath in ages.

Warm water cascaded from the showerhead as Jiang Bai stripped off his clothes.

That was when he noticed something.

For someone who looked lean at first glance, his body was surprisingly well-built.

His abdominal muscles were well-defined, his core firm to the touch. When he pressed a finger against them, they were solid as stone.

Thinking back to how he had kicked open a fully sealed coffin, it actually made sense.

After finishing his bath, he walked over to the mirror.

A strikingly handsome face stared back at him.

His skin was pale—almost unnaturally so, as if he had spent years out of the sun.

His hair was short and white, with a slightly tousled look. His features were sharp and well-defined, and under the warm glow of the lanterns, his irises gleamed with a dark golden hue.

His eye shape was slightly unusual as well—almost as if he naturally had eyeliner. When he blinked, there was a faint hint of red at the corners.

The only issue was that his eyes lacked a certain light—when expressionless, he looked completely uninterested in everything. Even his golden irises seemed dull and lifeless.

Jiang Bai examined himself carefully.

He shifted his facial muscles, pulling a bright, cheerful smile.

Instantly, his entire aura changed—from a detached, world-weary youth to a warm and friendly “big brother next door.”

Then, he tilted his head slightly and adjusted his smile into a subtle, sly smirk.

In an instant, his entire vibe transformed again—this time into something distinctly villainous.

“Interesting… Who exactly am I?”

These expressions felt like second nature to him, as if they had been ingrained into his muscle memory. His brain barely needed to think—the emotions simply surfaced on his face instinctively.

His gaze shifted to his left shoulder.

There, a black tattoo stood out against his pale skin.

The design was an inverted black triangle. Within it was a smaller golden triangle, dividing the larger one into multiple smaller, symmetrical sections.

Jiang Bai studied it for a while, but no memories surfaced.

No clue.

Since he couldn’t remember anything, he decided not to dwell on it.

If it’s meant to be, I’ll figure it out eventually. No point forcing it.

His general knowledge was intact, so his amnesia didn’t actually hinder his daily life.

Besides, being an amnesiac was surprisingly convenient.

Speaking of common knowledge—wherever he was from, it had to be similar to this place. Otherwise, his instincts wouldn’t align so well with Liyue’s customs.

That said, Hu Tao’s ability to turn into butterflies clearly wasn’t something that fit into his understanding of the world.

Running a hand through his damp hair, Jiang Bai slicked it back, exposing his forehead.

Then, he grinned at his reflection.

Starting today, I’m a member of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.

There was a lot he still didn’t know about this world…

But he’d learn.

—

T/N: A NON BLACK HAIRED PROTAG? WOOOO also idk what the tattoo is im too lazy to think

This is a fan translation of 胡桃拿我冲业绩 by 余溯. All rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!