Hu Tao Is Monetizing My Existence. [94]

Hardly had the two of them returned to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor when the interested adventurer arrived right on their heels.

“You got here fast, sir.” Jiang Bai greeted him with a warm smile and poured him a cup of tea.

“To be honest, I’ve been planning to conquer the summit of Dragonspine for a long time, but I could never quite commit. If not for your service, I might’ve kept hesitating,” Kartis said with a sigh, eyes drifting out the window toward the towering, cloud-piercing mountain.

This journey had been delayed long enough. It was time to go.

“Then you’ve come to the right place! Wangsheng Funeral Parlor exists to support brave adventurers like yourself by providing your final guarantee! So you can venture forth without fear or regrets!”

Hu Tao pulled out two copies of a contract, detailing the services Wangsheng would provide.

“This is our contract. Please, take a look.”

Kartis accepted it and read carefully. The document outlined numerous specifics.

For instance: once his death was detected, a soul ferryman would immediately set out. Since the time required would vary, once the body was found, it would be cremated and the ashes brought back.

The cremation fee was included. The urn was part of the package.

Transport capacity was limited—personal belongings couldn’t exceed one cubic meter in volume.

And so on, and so forth.

After reading through everything, Kartis had no objections.

It all seemed perfectly reasonable.

At the very end, there was a blank page for the client to specify their final wishes: desired burial location, who should receive their ashes or keepsakes, what to do with any recovered treasure—whatever they wished.

Kartis paused for a moment in thought, then began to write.

He had no family. He lived alone.

But there was a junior who had once looked after him during an illness. Whatever valuables he had could go to that kid.

Thinking of that perpetually unlucky but impossibly optimistic boy, Kartis smiled softly.

He’ll become an excellent adventurer one day.

As for what mattered most to him—his adventure journals. If possible, he hoped Wangsheng could help publish them posthumously. He’d leave behind money for the printing costs.

And his ashes?

Scatter them in Cider Lake.

After reviewing his requests, Hu Tao followed up with more questions, carefully confirming each detail.

Should the ashes be scattered in the morning, at noon, or in the evening? On a windy day or a calm one? Under sunny skies or rain?

Adventurers didn’t hold funerals—scattering their ashes was the only ceremony they’d ever have.

Hu Tao took funeral rites seriously.

“A windy morning will do.”

“All right.” Hu Tao picked up her brush and added that in.

The two signed their names, and the contract was officially sealed.

A drop of blood slowly fell onto the magical pointer, which shimmered and formed a name.

When Kartis saw his name appear in blood and the needle point steadily toward his location, his heart settled.

Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, Liyue’s time-honored establishment—its reputation was well-earned.

After Kartis left, a few others trickled in—but none were as decisive as he had been.

Because let’s be honest: 888,888 Mora wasn’t something just anyone could casually fork over.

For most adventurers, that kind of money was better spent on wine while they were still alive. As for after death?

If I die, I die. Being left to rot in the wild was just part of the adventurer’s fate.

So despite their well-delivered pitch, the number of people who truly needed the service… was small.

But as for lowering the price? Jiang Bai would never go that far.

He was risking his life to retrieve their remains, and they thought it was too expensive?

What, his life didn’t count as worth anything?

He was literally putting his neck on the line to earn Mora!

Hu Tao had no intention of lowering the price either. This was a bespoke service, built on quality over quantity. It wasn’t meant for everyone, nor could they handle mass requests even if they wanted to.

Besides, it was a long-term business. As long as Wangsheng remained standing, the service would continue.

Give it a few years—it would more than pay for itself.

By the end of the morning, only four potential clients had shown up. The only one who signed was Kartis.

The last person had come hoping to use the “tracking service” to find his lost cat.

Hu Tao rejected him on the spot.

After sitting in the reception hall all morning, Hu Tao grew restless.

Before long, she handed off the responsibility of greeting clients to the ceremonial master and made her escape.

The moment she slipped away, Jiang Bai bolted after her.

After all, they’d just signed a contract and received a hefty payment. She still hadn’t given him his share!

The thought of a fat stack of Mora coming his way made his feet move even faster.

“Director! Director, wait up!”

Hu Tao turned around, confused. “What?”

“Director, about that…” Jiang Bai sidled up to her, grinning and rubbing his fingers together—unmistakable hand language for show me the money.

Hu Tao gave him a sideways look, arms crossed. “Seriously? You’re already thinking about your cut?”

“Director, this client only signed thanks to me! And I’m the one who’ll be recovering his body when the time comes!” Jiang Bai protested.

Hu Tao gave him a look of pure disdain. “You’re really blinded by Mora, huh?”

Jiang Bai pouted and began counting on his fingers. “I’m broke! I still need a lamp! A grappling hook! A pickaxe! Binoculars! Sunglasses! Warm clothes and gloves! Anti-slip boots!”

He rattled off the list like a kid reciting homework.

“I’ll need all that gear for the snow mountain. What if I get stranded out there because I didn’t prepare properly? I don’t even have the Mora to buy supplies…”

“Get Uncle Ge to prepare your equipment.”

Hu Tao finally pulled out her coin pouch and handed him ten crisp Mora bills—each worth a thousand.

“This director isn’t stingy. Here’s your commission.”

The client had paid 800,000 Mora. Normally, they gave 1% commission for bringing in a client. But since Jiang Bai had done a great job, Hu Tao tossed in an extra 2,000 on top.

Jiang Bai beamed, cradling the stack of Mora in both hands, counting it over and over like a dragon hoarding treasure.

So shiny. Mora really is the most beautiful thing in the world…

“As for your cut from the actual job,” Hu Tao said, “you’ll get that after the mission’s complete.”

They’d agreed on a 70-30 split—Wangsheng took seventy, Jiang Bai got thirty.

After all, the artifacts, logistics, and overall support came from Wangsheng. Even Jiang Bai himself was part of the organization.

His share was essentially a risk bonus.

Even so, a single recovery mission earned him 260,000 Mora.

And since all travel expenses were covered, the only downside was the danger. Not a bad deal, really.

Watching Jiang Bai still counting his Mora, Hu Tao rose up on her toes and gave his shoulder a solemn pat, slipping into “director mode.”

“Wangsheng has plenty of Mora. We’re not gonna shortchange you.”

“Work hard, and help us take this business across all of Teyvat! If we pull it off, Mora will be flying into your pockets faster than you can count it!”

Clutching his prize, Jiang Bai nodded so hard he looked like a bobblehead.

As long as there was Mora involved, anything was negotiable.

Ahhh~

The director’s sales pitch today? Absolute perfection.

—

This is a fan translation of 胡桃拿我冲业绩 by 余溯. All rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!