Hu Tao Is Monetizing My Existence. [6]

Late at night, Wangsheng Funeral Parlor was silent.

Jiang Bai lay in the coffin, still clothed, feeling an odd sense of novelty.

The coffin was actually quite spacious. Even after lying down, there was still about a fist’s worth of space on either side of him, and he could stretch his legs out fully. The lid, which he had kicked off earlier during the day, was still in perfect condition—proof of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s fine craftsmanship.

He tried pulling the lid shut. Instantly, the narrow space plunged into complete darkness.

All sound from the outside world was sealed off, leaving only the steady, slow rhythm of his own heartbeat in his ears.

For some reason, the confined space didn’t make him feel suffocated or trapped. On the contrary, the sensation of being enclosed gave him an inexplicable sense of security.

I was probably lying like this before I woke up. Jiang Bai rested his hands over his stomach, mimicking the posture of a corpse.

But why did I come back to life? Or was I never really dead in the first place—just in a state of suspended animation?

Of course, he was curious about his own condition. But his mind was a complete blank—no memories surfaced at all.

As for investigating further…

Other than the tattoo on his arm, there weren’t any distinctive markings on his body. The only clue he had was the set of clothes he had been wearing when he first woke up.

That outfit—both in style and design—was nothing like what the people of Liyue Harbor wore. Then again, the world was vast, and fashion varied from place to place. Maybe he just had an eccentric taste in clothing?

At least his name seemed to follow Liyue’s naming conventions, or so Hu Tao had said.

But he knew so little about this world. He had only just arrived in Liyue—how could he possibly know anything about other nations?

After thinking in circles without reaching a conclusion, Jiang Bai decided to let it go. He cracked the coffin lid open slightly to let in some air, then drifted off to sleep.

—

The next morning, while Jiang Bai was still deep in slumber, a loud bang bang bang echoed through the room as someone knocked vigorously on the door.

Hu Tao’s voice, full of energy, rang out:

“Time to get up! The sun’s already up! If you don’t wake up soon, the Hilichurls will come knocking!”

Jiang Bai groaned, covering his ears as he turned over. But the noise only got closer.

With a loud thud, his coffin lid was suddenly yanked open.

“Well, well! Looks like you slept pretty soundly!”

Light poured into the coffin, revealing Hu Tao’s face looming over him at a perfect 180-degree angle.

Jiang Bai squinted against the sudden brightness, taking a moment to adjust before sitting up.

Rubbing his sleepy eyes, he looked at the fully dressed funeral parlor director and muttered drowsily, “Boss, why’d you open my coffin lid?”

“I knocked on your door for ages, but no one answered. I started worrying something might’ve happened to you! And when I saw your bed was empty, I thought, what if you suffocated in the coffin?” Hu Tao clasped her hands behind her back, pacing around the coffin.

“I mean, I’d rather not have to organize a funeral for the same person two days in a row!”

Jiang Bai chuckled. “I feel like if someone had to have two funerals back-to-back, that’d definitely make the headlines in Liyue Harbor.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Hu Tao rolled her eyes. “Besides, your whole ‘dying and coming back to life’ thing is already the talk of the town.”

Jiang Bai raised an eyebrow. “That fast?”

He knew bizarre stories spread quickly, but he hadn’t expected to become a local legend in just a single day.

Climbing out of the coffin, he pushed the lid back into place and stretched.

Hu Tao plopped herself onto the coffin lid, swinging her legs. “So? How was sleeping in a coffin?”

“Not bad, actually. Pretty comfy~” Jiang Bai had slept exceptionally well and woke up feeling completely refreshed.

Hu Tao gave him a once-over, her gaze filled with the kind of curiosity reserved for rare specimens.

She sometimes lay in coffins for fun, but sleeping in one overnight? That was a different story. Whenever she tried, she’d wake up feeling sore all over. The space was too cramped for her restless sleeping habits—she liked to twist and turn, lie sideways, or sprawl out however felt most comfortable.

But the coffin limited her movements, and the air inside always felt a little thin. Even if she left a small gap for ventilation, she’d still wake up feeling slightly lightheaded.

Yet here he was, looking completely unbothered.

Out of concern for her new employee, she still gave him a warning:

“Next time, don’t seal the lid completely. Leave a gap for air, or better yet, ask Carpenter Cui to drill a few air holes for you.”

“Got it.”

“Now hurry up and get ready! If we don’t head to Bubu Pharmacy early, we’ll be stuck waiting in line forever!” Hu Tao urged.

As the most renowned clinic in Liyue Harbor, Bubu Pharmacy was always packed with patients. The earlier they arrived, the sooner they could be seen.

“Bubu Pharmacy?” Jiang Bai echoed in confusion.

“Yeah! Remember? Yesterday, I said I’d take you there to check out that memory loss problem of yours.”

Jiang Bai let out an “Oh.” He had assumed she was just making casual conversation—he hadn’t expected her to actually follow through.

As they stepped outside, they ran into Zhongli, who was also preparing to leave. He carried a birdcage with a stunningly vibrant bird inside, its feathers gleaming as it preened itself.

He had woken up remarkably early. The funeral parlor was still mostly quiet, but Zhongli was already fully dressed and ready to go, carrying his birdcage as if he were an old man heading out for a morning stroll.

Despite his youthful appearance, there was an air about him that felt strangely… elderly.

“Good morning, Mister Zhongli.”

“Good morning to you as well.” Zhongli greeted him with a gentle smile. “How did you sleep? Are you adjusting well?”

“It was pretty good—would’ve been better if I hadn’t been dragged out of bed so early,” Jiang Bai sighed, casting a helpless look at Hu Tao.

Zhongli glanced at Hu Tao, who was standing with her hands on her hips, pouting. His lips curled into a subtle smile.

“The director has always been one to follow her whims. You’ll get used to it in time.”

He could tell Jiang Bai was adapting well.

“Well then, I won’t keep you. I have my own matters to attend to.” With that, he turned and strode off, one hand tucked behind his back while the other carried the birdcage.

Watching Zhongli’s retreating figure, Jiang Bai couldn’t help but sigh, “Mister Zhongli sure seems to have a lot of free time…”

Hu Tao waved a hand dismissively. “Just wait till you get old—then you can be that carefree too!”

Jiang Bai absentmindedly touched his white hair. Did his hair count as a sign of old age?

“But Boss, why do you call Zhongli ‘old man’? Is he really that old?”

Zhongli didn’t look old at all.

“Well, that’s ‘cause he’s just like an old relic!” Hu Tao shrugged. “He knows a ton, but he doesn’t really care about much. His personality is just like an old geezer’s, so I started calling him that!”

Zhongli had been Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s consultant for a long time. He only stepped in when needed, but when she first took over, the senior morticians weren’t entirely confident in her, so they had asked him to stay on as support. He had been living at the parlor ever since.

Thinking about Zhongli’s expenses, Hu Tao clutched her wallet with a pang of heartache.

But still—having someone as knowledgeable as Zhongli on their side? That was priceless!

Convincing herself of this, Hu Tao took a deep breath, exhaled, and put the thought out of her mind.

—

This is a fan translation of 胡桃拿我冲业绩 by 余溯. All rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!