Hu Tao Is Monetizing My Existence. [1] & Synopsis

Author: 余溯

Synopsis:

What does it feel like to wake up and almost get buried alive?

Jiang Bai was absolutely terrified. He kicked open the coffin lid—only to come face-to-face with none other than Hu Tao, the eccentric Master of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.

Brought back to the parlor after his miraculous return from the dead, Jiang Bai quickly realized that Hu Tao had very high expectations for him.

“One day, the name Jiang Bai, The Soul Ferryman will echo across every corner of Teyvat!” With an impassioned wave of her hand, Director Hu made her grand proclamation.

As for Jiang Bai—the overworked and underpaid employee staring at the massive responsibility dumped on him—he was pretty sure he just cracked a tooth biting into that metaphorical pie.

—

Note: No prior knowledge of Genshin Impact required! Experience the world of Teyvat from a fresh new perspective.

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“Heaven above, earth below, all spirits at peace—where the funeral procession passes, misfortune shall cease…”

The sky hung heavy with dark clouds as white funeral paper fluttered through the air.

A long funeral procession, clad in white mourning cloth, slowly made its way from the distance. Leading the group was a solemn-looking young girl dressed in a brown, traditional Chinese-style robe. A white mourning cloth draped over her shoulders, and atop her head sat a black porkpie hat. Holding a long ceremonial banner high, she walked steadily forward, reciting a funeral chant as she led the way.

Two coffins were being carried within the procession—one at the front and one at the back. The leading coffin was crafted with exquisite workmanship, its surface adorned with intricate carvings. Behind it, grieving family members, dressed in white and with mourning scarves wrapped around their heads, followed with sorrowful expressions.

The second coffin at the rear, however, was far more ordinary—just a plain black casket, the kind that looked like it had been thrown in as a freebie during a “buy one, get one” promotion.

It was exceedingly rare for two coffins to be buried at the same time. If a family lost two members simultaneously, it was considered an immense tragedy. But today’s double burial was… a little unusual.

In Liyue, funerals were almost always handled by Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, and this one was no exception.

The first coffin held the head of a wealthy Luo family in Liyue, an elderly man who had passed peacefully in his sleep—a fortunate death, as some might call it.

The second coffin, however, contained a young man with no relation to the Luo family whatsoever.

The Luo family had discovered the young man’s body in the river—he looked as though he had drowned by accident. By the time they found him, his body was ice-cold, completely devoid of life. Clearly, he had been dead for quite some time.

The Liyue Ministry of Civil Affairs had investigated for days but couldn’t find any records of this man anywhere in Liyue. There were no identifying markings on him, and even his clothing didn’t resemble the style of any nearby nations. No one came forward to claim him.

But a dead body couldn’t just be left unattended. In the end, the ever-unpredictable Master of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor made the executive decision—upon the suggestion of a certain guest consultant—to bury him together with the Luo family elder. Coincidentally, she was running a buy one, get one free special. And so, this nameless corpse became the “free gift” in the deal.

Of course, not everyone agreed with this unorthodox arrangement. But after some convincing from the funeral parlor’s master, even the Luo family relented. After all, they didn’t have to pay extra, and it wasn’t right to leave an unclaimed body to rot. They might as well earn some merit by giving him a proper burial.

The funeral procession neared the cemetery. The sound of suona horns, faint at first, gradually became clearer.

—

Jiang Bai’s head was spinning. It felt like he’d just been tossed into a washing machine and wrung dry. It took him a long moment before he groggily opened his eyes.

The moment he did, he found himself trapped inside a pitch-black box.

He was being carried.

Muted chanting and the wailing of suona horns filtered through the wooden walls around him.

Jiang Bai immediately had a bad feeling.

Piecing together the darkness, the swaying motion, and the sounds outside, he could already imagine what was happening.

Without hesitation, he sprang into action—pressing his hands and feet against the bottom of the box, he mustered all his strength and shoved upward.

CRACK!

The sealed coffin lid was forced open.

The sudden movement startled the pallbearers. When they saw the coffin lid burst open and the person inside sit upright, their legs nearly gave out beneath them. The coffin tumbled to the ground with a heavy thud.

“A-a-a ghost—!”

A terrified scream rang out from the back, drawing the attention of the entire procession.

At the very front, the funeral director furrowed her brows. Calmly, she raised a hand, signaling the group to halt.

Then, a spear materialized in her grasp.

Like a butterfly taking flight, she leapt into the air and shot toward the rear of the procession.

“What’s going on?”

Before she even arrived, her crisp voice rang out, immediately reassuring the frightened pallbearers.

Their master might be eccentric at times, but when it came to funerals, she was nothing if not serious and reliable.

Still dazed, Jiang Bai found himself staring at the spear-wielding girl who now stood before him.

She was tall and graceful, her youthful face brimming with curiosity as she leaned in for a closer look.

As one of Liyue’s most skilled funeral specialists, she could tell at a glance whether someone was alive, dead, or possessed. And that was precisely what confused her.

This man—his corpse—had been personally examined by her. No breathing, no heartbeat, body cold as ice. Dead beyond any doubt.

Yet here he was, alive and well. Even his complexion had regained its warmth.

The girl leaned in further, taking a small sniff.

Jiang Bai instinctively shrank back, widening the distance between them.

He still had no idea what was going on or where he was. It was best not to act recklessly.

Seeing the confusion and uncertainty in his eyes, the girl tilted her head, then reached out and pressed a hand to his cheek.

“Warm. Definitely alive.”

“Director Hu, is this guy… actually breathing?”

With their boss here, the pallbearers felt much braver. They hesitantly gathered around, curiously studying Jiang Bai.

“Where… is this place? And who are you…?” Jiang Bai finally spoke, his voice laced with confusion.

But the girl in front of him had no intention of answering. Instead, she turned to the pallbearers.

“Well, since he’s alive, no need to bury him. You all wait here with him—I’ve got a funeral to finish.”

There was no need to clarify who “he” referred to.

In the blink of an eye, the girl vanished, racing back to the front of the procession like a passing breeze.

The funeral continued, the suona horns resuming their mournful tune.

With the situation clear, the pallbearers relaxed, plopping down onto the ground to wait for their master to finish.

Jiang Bai, still sitting inside the coffin, finally had time to take in his surroundings.

The sky was overcast. The air was thick with the lingering scent of burnt funeral paper. A cold mountain wind occasionally swept through, carrying with it an eerie wail.

They were on a narrow mountain path. Dense pine trees loomed on either side, their dark green needles casting deep shadows. Scattered along the ground were countless white paper offerings, carried by the wind like restless spirits.

With the coffins and funeral procession in the background, the scene had an undeniably eerie atmosphere.

Yet Jiang Bai wasn’t frightened.

More than anything, he was bewildered.

He had no idea where he was, nor could he remember where he had come from. He didn’t even know what he had been doing before all this. But calling it amnesia didn’t feel quite right either.

He still remembered his own name. Some familiar words and concepts triggered instinctive reactions—like hearing the suona and immediately realizing he was in a coffin, prompting him to break out without hesitation.

“Where am I? And you guys are…?” He rasped, his voice hoarse from disuse as he struggled to move his stiff limbs.

Noticing his difficulty, one of the pallbearers reached out and helped him climb out of the coffin.

Now that they were certain he was alive, they weren’t the least bit afraid. In their line of work, fear wasn’t an option.

“This is Mt. Tianheng. We’re pallbearers from Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.”

The speaker rolled his shoulders, sore from carrying the coffin, then curiously stepped closer and gave Jiang Bai’s cheek a poke.

“Huh. Weird. You were cold as a corpse before—we were about to bury you.”

Jiang Bai’s skin was warm and firm to the touch.

A very alive kind of texture.

—

T/N: a suona is a kind of chinese trumpet!

This is a fan translation of 胡桃拿我冲业绩 by 余溯. All rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!