I, Goldie, Am Going to Be a Foolish King! [31]

The gods realized Enkidu had successfully transformed and were beside themselves with joy. But when they heard that Gilgamesh knew Enkidu was a weapon made by the gods, they all jumped in fright.

“Anu, is this going to cause trouble?”

“Don’t panic, Enki. Keep listening. No, wait—don’t watch. Listen instead. Last time we watched Gilgamesh, he seemed to notice. Listening should be safer.”

“The earth?”

…

“The earth can talk too?”

Enkidu was a little curious. After all, he truly couldn’t communicate directly with the earth.

Gilgamesh was still searching for an excuse when Humbaba came over. It was a beast with a maiden’s heart, and it was currently wearing a wreath woven from the pale little flowers Enkidu had planted in the Cedar Forest. It circled Enkidu, unable to understand how a beast like itself had suddenly become human. After staring for a while, it seemed to realize something and abruptly turned its gaze on Gilgamesh.

“I… want… too…”

“Hah. Do not be absurd, Humbaba. That form does not suit you.”

Gilgamesh mercilessly crushed its maiden’s heart. Humbaba lowered its head, looking as if it had shut down a little.

Don’t be that fragile…

Gilgamesh thought for a moment.

This thing is the guardian deity watching over humanity’s treasures. According to legend, the treasures people leave behind after falling into the Underworld are sent here too. As long as I get on good terms with it, I can have the treasure sent to Uruk… No, wait. All this time, Humbaba has only had Enkidu and me as friends. How is that okay? As its friend, of course I have to take it back to Uruk and help it make more friends!

“You are one I have acknowledged. That makes you my companion. Come, Humbaba. This forest is too narrow a place for one who guards treasure. If that burden wearies you, then entrust it to me. I shall shoulder it in your stead.”

Gilgamesh’s eyes brimmed with sincerity, while Ishtar looked ready to shoot fire from hers.

“I can, I can! I can be your friend!”

Humbaba lowered its head as though considering it, then slapped Ishtar flying and opened its mouth wide.

One precious treasure or weapon after another shot out like arrows, as fast as a twelve-barreled Gatling gun.

Gilgamesh stared at the treasures flying toward him, completely dumbfounded, and froze on the spot.

Beside him, Enkidu looked approving. “As expected of the Wedge of Heaven, perhaps? Even in this situation, your expression doesn’t change.”

“[AGE OF BABYLON].”

All sorts of weapons formed from the earth struck the treasures and weapons, knocking them down.

Gilgamesh finally came back to himself. He opened Gate of Babylon, and the fallen weapons and treasures were drawn into the treasury one after another. Ishtar gnashed her teeth at the side, wishing she could take his place.

The gods heard the thunderous crashes of the two sets of objects colliding, and their faces lit up with joy. It could fight. Their weapon made by the gods could trade blows with Gilgamesh.

…

After a long while, Enkidu collapsed to the ground, exhausted. “The clay has been completely depleted. I only have enough strength left for one final blow.”

Humbaba cried out aaah, aaah.

Gilgamesh frowned and translated for it. “Humbaba says the weapons it has spat out have reached nine parts of ten.”

He knew he couldn’t slack off anymore. Gate of Babylon unfolded, golden ripples blooming one after another, and fired toward the Noble Phantasms coming straight at him. At first, he simply overwhelmed them with numbers. Later, Gilgamesh deliberately reduced the amount he fired and focused on improving his accuracy, slowly making progress.

When the gods heard that Enkidu only had enough strength left for one final blow, their expressions turned grave. When they heard Gilgamesh say that the fired Noble Phantasms had also reached ninety percent, their faces sank completely. Then they heard another series of roars and felt certain Enkidu was doomed, so they all cut off their eavesdropping on that side. How were they supposed to face Gilgamesh’s wrath after this? Not every god was good at fighting. Otherwise, why would they have made a weapon made by the gods in the first place?

As the Noble Phantasms continued battering against each other, Gilgamesh improved at a terrifying speed. Under the threat of death, the instinctive wisdom of both god and human contained within his body calculated at high speed. In the end, Gilgamesh was able to deal with the Noble Phantasms hurtling toward him with only twice their number.

The battle… or perhaps it couldn’t be called a battle. At last, the bombardment came to an end. Gilgamesh looked at Humbaba, who was now running with exceptional lightness after spitting out all its treasure, and gave it a wholesome smile.

“Come, Humbaba. I shall permit you to accompany me to Uruk.”

Humbaba pondered for a moment, then nodded.

Mr. Goldie had truly reaped a rich harvest on this trip, and he couldn’t help bursting into hearty laughter. “Bwahahahahahahahaha—cough, cough.”

“You recover quickly, Enkidu.”

Enkidu stretched his body. “Mm. The clay has been replenished.”

Gilgamesh thought it over, unsure how best to persuade—no, hoodwink—him.

What do I do? If Enkidu finds out I’m a foolish king, I’m going to get beaten up. He’s this strong now, has received the blessings of all the gods, and can replenish depleted clay just like that. I may have enough Noble Phantasms now, but my fire density is still lacking, so I can’t let him return to Uruk. At the very least, I need the ability to protect myself before he comes over. It’s not mainly because I’m afraid losing would be embarrassing. Mr. Goldie would love nothing more than to embarrass himself so badly he earns the title of Foolish King and sends Foolishness Points cascading down from the sky like a waterfall. The main thing is that Mr. Goldie is afraid of pain.

Enkidu’s eyes lit up. “Are you trying to tell me I need to think for myself?”

Help. It’s not like I’m some master teacher either.

Gilgamesh had just opened his mouth to deny it when Enkidu continued.

“What you said earlier was right. Even gods can make mistakes. I can’t simply obey the gods’ will. I must ask the residents of your kingdom myself, see their lives with my own eyes, and then make my judgment.”

Please don’t. You, Enkidu, are the original version, but I, Gilgamesh, am not! And right now, the way they’re singing my praises is so far from the truth that even I don’t recognize myself. Can you believe that? Forget it. A little pain is better than no Foolishness Points. I’m done pretending. Cards on the table: I’m a Foolish King.

“I am a—”

“Until my eyes have seen enough people for themselves, I will not believe only your side of the story.”

You won’t believe me, huh? My side of the story, huh? Once you see the Code of Gilgamesh, you’ll know exactly how much of a foolish king I am!

Gilgamesh righted Boat of Heaven Maanna, then tossed the embarrassing goddess beside him—who had been muttering “treasure” nonstop—into the back seat, preparing to floor it and leave.

Enkidu smiled from the side and did not stop him. It was just that a chain suddenly coiled around the little e-scooter.

And so, the street-racing gang gained an Enkidu.

This is a fan translation of 我金闪闪要当昏君 by 五色猫 Rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!