I, Goldie, Am Going to Be a Foolish King! [1] & Synopsis

[Fate/Apocrypha, Fate/Prototype: Fragments of Sky Silver, and Fate/Zero—a little dark—doing the Holy Grail War. The Holy Grail War arc is a bit less shitposty, so read at your own discretion. The FGO plot is decent. Rome is okay!]

All I wanted was to coast on the title of the oldest King of Heroes, so how did it end up like this?

The oldest King of Knights? Me. The oldest King of Conquerors? Me. Even the oldest King of Mages? Also me. How am I supposed to hold the Banquet of Kings now? Are we saving the Human Order or not?

Historians studying the ultra-ancient civilization that emerged under King Gilgamesh’s rule discovered that it could be called the origin of Western civilization. One could see as much from the long list of titles attached to Gilgamesh alone—the oldest King of Knights, King of Conquerors, King of Heroes, King of Mages, and that was to say nothing of his final title, though it would be difficult to go into that here. Let us return to the beginning.

…

Gil did not particularly feel like talking right now. He had only been watching an anime, and when he saw Gilgamesh get his elbow chopped off, he was left speechless enough to make a snide comment.

“Fucking King of Jobbers. Even I could do better.”

And then he transmigrated.

His vision flashed, and he found himself inside a stone palace, seated on an extravagant throne. At the foot of the steps stood a veiled woman dressed like a priestess.

Several days had already passed, and Gil had remained silent the entire time. Everyone assumed he was mourning the previous king, who had only recently passed away. On top of that, since he had not yet become a tyrant, and since the popularity he had built up during his Kid Gil days was still there, no one suspected anything.

But Gil was silent for one very ordinary reason—he did not know how to speak.

To be precise, he had no idea what language they were speaking, nor could he read what was written on the clay tablets presented to him.

What was he supposed to do after transmigrating into Goldie when he could not even talk? And that was not even getting into his future battle with Enkidu, his victory over Humbaba, or the Absolute Demonic Front: Babylonia in a Singularity. What was he supposed to fight those with, his head?

Not to mention the gods watching him, and the Counter Force keeping an eye on him.

What? How did he know he was Gilgamesh from the TYPE-MOON world?

Nonsense. He still remembered what he had said before transmigrating. Add to that the fact that, historically, the people of Mesopotamia referred to themselves as the “black-headed ones”, yet his reflection in the water was a blond, red-eyed man with red markings on his body, and if he still could not figure it out after all that, he was finished.

What kind of pitfall transmigration was this? Forget it. Before anyone found out, he might as well do more of what a foolish king should do and make himself comfortable. It would be a meaningless death if he waited until someone discovered he had smuggled himself in.

Just then, a transparent screen of light suddenly appeared before Gilgamesh, and lines of text began appearing one after another.

[DETECTED HOST’S INCLINATION TOWARD BECOMING A FOOLISH KING.]
[FOOLISH KING SYSTEM BINDING IN PROGRESS…]

[BINDING SUCCESSFUL.]

[HOST: GILGAMESH]

[DETECTED HOST’S CURRENT TIME PERIOD HAS AN EXCESSIVE INFLUENCE ON THE COURSE OF HISTORY. DIFFICULTY AUTOMATICALLY SELECTED: HELL.]

[USER MANUAL NOW TRANSMITTING…]
[TRANSMISSION COMPLETE.]

[HOST, PLEASE OPERATE THE SYSTEM ON YOUR OWN.]

Oh, there was a system. Then that was fine.

Come to think of it, transmigration stories having systems was common enough. Gilgamesh quickly calmed down. Foolish King System? He could perform as a foolish king and use Foolishness Points for the lottery?

Being a foolish king sounded great. True, people might laugh at him later during the Holy Grail War.

But was Mr. Goldie the sort of person who cared that much about reputation? Being laughed at was still better than having his elbow chopped off.

Hell difficulty? No matter. The foolish kings of history had left him so much experience. Wine pools and meat forests. Burning palaces for fireworks. Selling offices and titles. Burning books and burying scholars.

Not to mention that Gilgamesh was originally a tyrant anyway. Doing a few foolish things would be a piece of cake.

He could almost see himself reaching the peak of life, kicking the gods and punching Heroic Spirits.

Gilgamesh understood. This system was here to deliver warmth to him. Didn’t Celtic mythology have some great landowner who decreed that the first chastity of every maiden in his territory had to be taken by him? Gilgamesh could hardly wait to imitate him.

[FOOLISHNESS POINTS]: 214

[FOOLISHNESS POINTS ARE SETTLED ONCE PER WEEK.]
[ONE LOTTERY DRAW COSTS 100 FOOLISHNESS POINTS.]

Gilgamesh smiled again.

One hundred points for one draw. Perfect. What was his skill? Golden Rule.

With a grand wave of his hand, he drew the lottery.

[SKILL OBTAINED]:
LANGUAGE MASTERY — ALLOWS MASTERY OF ALL LANGUAGES.

Look at that. This was what it meant to be the oldest lucky bastard.

[SKILL OBTAINED]:
KING ENGINE — THE SOUND PRODUCED BY A POWERFUL HEARTBEAT IS KNOWN AS THE KING ENGINE.

Look at… King Engine?

Gilgamesh silently closed the interface and began to think deeply. Could it be that his unlucky bloodline had smuggled itself over with him too? It should not have. He had transmigrated with his soul.

Was an unlucky bastard’s bloodline rooted so deeply in the soul that it could not be changed?

Forget it. Time to start being a foolish king. The original Gilgamesh’s next moves were already those of a proper foolish king, and that was without mentioning himself, who had countless examples to draw from.

Good. Time to be thoroughly foolish.

Just looking at the clay tablets before him irritated him. What kind of foolish king handled government affairs? What if he died from overwork?

“Priestess!”

Gilgamesh called down to the woman below the steps.

“My king, I am Chief Priestess Siduri. What are your orders?”

Siduri bowed respectfully.

“Summon those mongrels who style themselves as nobles. Tell them to crawl before this king.”

“This…”

“Did this king’s command fail to reach your ears?”

“As you command.”

Siduri did not understand why Gilgamesh was angry, but she still notified the nobles and had them come to the palace for an audience.

…

The nobles below the steps were confused and wanted to speak.

But Gilgamesh gave them no chance.

“Kneel.”

The hall fell silent. The nobles began to exchange glances and whisper among themselves.

An old man in gorgeous clothing stepped out before the others and bowed.

“My king, may I ask what crime we have committed?”

Why would these people not listen?

Gilgamesh was somewhat puzzled, and his heart could not help giving a thump. Had they discovered he was a fake? He had no real combat ability right now…

Gilgamesh took a deep breath and prepared to back down for the moment.

He looked at the old man before him, a gentle smile appearing on his face.

“Hmm.”

The nobles looked at one another and froze in place.

From the moment before, they had been hearing a thump, thump, thump, and the sound was growing louder and louder.

Gilgamesh panicked. Why was this King Engine a passive skill?

The more he panicked, the faster his heartbeat grew. The very air within the palace seemed to tremble. The nobles suddenly found it somewhat hard to breathe, yet their hearts were beating faster and faster, making their entire bodies feel worse and worse.

Suddenly, one noble dropped to his knees. Then, as though triggering a chain reaction, the nobles fell to their knees one after another.

This… Gilgamesh could no longer sit still…

He stood up, and the nobles lowered themselves even further.

They trembled and cringed, their minds racing.

Could the king have already discovered it? Has he found out that I exaggerated the amount of ritual offerings to be prepared so I could embezzle the excess?

Has he discovered the money and materials I embezzled from the house construction?

Has he found out that I ran over to my noble neighbor’s house last night and slept with his wife?

Whatever the case, Gilgamesh felt he could begin his plan now.

“These clay tablets…”

A flash of inspiration struck the old noble leading them. The clay tablets! Of course, that must be it. King Gilgamesh sees everything clearly. He must already know about the embezzlement, but he opened his mouth and pardoned our crimes. This is because, upon ascending the throne, the new king must both establish his authority and show mercy. He is giving us a chance to correct ourselves!

In his excitement, he stood up at once.

“My king is truly a wise ruler for the ages. This old subject will never fail the king’s painstaking intentions.”

After saying that, he hurriedly rummaged through the clay tablets, found the few related to himself, and took them away.

Every noble present was shrewd. Even the slower ones followed the crowd. While shouting praises of the king’s wisdom, they dug out the clay tablets related to their own crimes and carried them off.

I haven’t even said anything yet. Gilgamesh silently complained to himself. Could these people all be wise ministers foolishly loyal to me? This won’t do. I want to be a foolish king, so I can’t put them in important positions.

Just then, Siduri suddenly stepped forward.

“My king is wise!”

I’m wise? How come I didn’t know that? You and the others are all calling me wise. They helped me share the burden of government affairs, but you did nothing at all. I understand now. You’re a sycophantic minister! I absolutely have to put you in an important position!

After figuring that out, Gilgamesh looked at Siduri with an appreciative gaze, leaving Siduri deeply excited.

I guessed correctly. Those nobles usually inflate the amount of ritual supplies and the like, but there has never been a good way to solve it. Now the king has resolved the issue with hardly a word. The king truly is a wise ruler, and tremendously powerful besides. That heartbeat is so strong—even stronger than what I hear when the gods manifest during rituals. To have such a king is truly Uruk’s good fortune!

T/N: HEhuehuehuaehue another gil tltl also, anyway uhhh did u guys know that mesopotamia people actually did refer to themselves as the black-headed ones so no its NOT racist its being factually accurate smhhhh

and also bro didnt know gilgamesh started the whole i sleep with ur wife thing LMAO

This is a fan translation of 我金闪闪要当昏君 by 五色猫 Rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!