After a bout of chasing, a certain goddess who wished to remain anonymous finally lost patience with all the noise and stepped in to peacefully mediate—by violently resolving—the farce. Gilgamesh walked out the door with a smile, leaving behind a certain nameless former king looking somewhat dejected, a smiling goddess, and one sentence.
“Farewell, my Father. And farewell, my cowardice.”
Gilgamesh found Eresh-chan again. It was almost as if she had been waiting there specifically for him; the moment Mr. Goldie turned a corner, there she was.
“Eresh-chan, dinner is over. I must return to Uruk. The army is waiting for me. The people at the front need me, and the people of Uruk need me as well.”
Mr. Goldie wore a face full of righteousness as he built up his grand and noble image.
“As expected of Mr. Goldie, the noble King of Knights sung of by bards.”
Eresh played along, her face full of worship.
Why does that sound so awkward?
…
Gilgamesh and Eresh chatted idly like that until they finally followed the path back to the hole beneath Gilgamesh’s bed. However, it seemed to have been sealed.
“Eresh-chan, the people of Uruk probably did this. Why don’t you open the hole again?”
With a gentle smile and refined courtesy, Mr. Goldie made his request.
“All right.”
Eresh summoned her staff and was just about to cast a spell.
The entrance had only opened the tiniest crack when a voice came through from the other side. “There’s movement! Weapons ready! Pile on the gunpowder! Blow up the goddess who took the king away!”
It was Little Di’s voice! But what was he trying to do?
Gilgamesh was confused, but he was a quick-witted man and knew what mattered most right now—grabbing Eresh’s hand!
I held her hand again! I’m so clever. After being talked about like that, Eresh must be in a bad mood, so I can seize the chance to comfort her.
After silently giving his own cleverness a thumbs-up, Gilgamesh turned his head and said to Eresh with a face full of tenderness, “There’s no need to rush, Eresh-chan. This must be a misunderstanding.”
Eresh looked bashful. “Mm.”
Gilgamesh felt this one was in the bag.
“Little Di, it’s me. Eresh… that is, the Goddess of the Underworld is not what you imagine. Let us out first, and I’ll explain the details afterward.”
Gilgamesh spoke with a gentleness he had never used before.
Then he heard Little Di roar furiously, “King Gilgamesh would never be this gentle! King Gilgamesh is a true man, a true hero, a true king! He might be approachable, but he would never discuss things with me like you’re doing. He has always given me orders. You must be the Goddess of the Underworld in disguise. Ptui! Impostor!”
Gilgamesh found this unbelievable. Was he that kind of person? How come he had never known?
“You—”
“You what? Let me ask you this. Do you know what King Gilgamesh did when he was five?”
Little Di shot back.
I actually don’t…
“You can’t answer, can you?” Little Di laughed smugly. “When the king was five, he wet the bed! To keep anyone from finding out, he had me secretly take the sheets away and wash them! This is something only the king and I know! You don’t even know that, so how are you supposed to prove you really are the king?”
Within three days, I will kill you. I’ll scatter your ashes myself.
Gilgamesh screamed wildly in his heart.
“And also—”
Little Di was about to continue.
“Eresh-chan, let’s keep going for a walk!”
Gilgamesh grabbed Eresh’s hand and ran like mad.
He did not see the strange smile on Eresh-chan’s face behind him.
Mr. Goldie wetting the bed at five is so cute. I really want to…
The mess Kid Gil left me is way too much!
After that, Gilgamesh and Eresh found several more entrances, but every one of them had been sealed. Gilgamesh had no idea what to do.
If I call out to test them, Little Di might have already spread the news through all of Uruk that I’m fake. Maybe the next person who asks me to come out will pull out explosives and blow me to death… But if I don’t go out… that doesn’t seem so bad either.
Gilgamesh’s eyes lit up.
Right. There’s nothing bad about not going out. I can even give myself the Foolish King image of “warm hibiscus curtains and spring nights spent in pleasure; from then on, the king never attends morning court.” That’s pretty good. It’ll just damage my image in Eresh-chan’s heart. Come to think of it, every time I try to build up my foolish king image, I fail. Every time I try to build up a good image, I succeed. Could this be my hidden ability, “Nothing I Wish For Comes True”?
“Mr. Goldie, I dug you a hole here. You can go back now.”
Eresh smiled at Gilgamesh, leaving him instantly speechless.
N-No need to be that considerate, Eresh-chan…
Gilgamesh lowered his head. He did not want to go out.
“Gilgamesh!”
A somewhat reckless-sounding voice suddenly came from far away, drawing closer. No, wait! The speed that voice was traveling at was—
Wait! Ishta—
Before he could finish, Gilgamesh was rammed into. At the critical moment, he caught hold of the handle on the Boat of Heaven Maanna, but he was still sent flying. Behind him, two dumbstruck goddesses were left standing in place, silently watching as Gilgamesh, who had no idea how to brake, shot out of the Underworld like a meteor.
Then the two goddesses began facing off.
…
“Aaaaaa!”
Gilgamesh let out a despairing cry. How did this thing brake?!
He shot straight out of the Underworld and onto the surface. Where was this?
Never mind. Handbrake.
Now that he had obtained Gate of Babylon, he summoned an axe from within it and drove it hard into the ground, carving a long trail behind him.
But it still did nothing, damn it!
Then he saw Kish’s army charging toward him. In despair, he looked back.
Uruk’s army was staring at him with reddened eyes, roaring, “King Gilgamesh is leading the charge!”
Little Di, his face full of excitement, began writing on his clay tablet: When Kish’s great army charged forth, the king returned from the Underworld, defeated the combined efforts of the Goddess of Venus and the Goddess of the Underworld, seized the Goddess of Venus’s treasure, the Boat of Heaven Maanna, and then broke out of the Underworld. Riding alone in a trail of dust, he drove the Boat of Heaven Maanna and roared as he charged. One rider against ten thousand, and all of Kish’s army trembled in fear.
“SOMEBODY SAVE ME?!”
Gilgamesh’s despairing voice was warped by the wind itself. Ahead of him was the minefield, damn it! A minefield! And Kish’s army, fierce as wolves.
What lay before him was hell!
T/N: KING GILGAMESH IS SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
This is a fan translation of 我金闪闪要当昏君 by 五色猫 Rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!
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