The Trainer With Little Time Left Just Wants to Live [33]

Three months. Rudolf had no idea how she made it through those three months… She only knew that never before had she lived through such dazed, muddled days, and never before had three months passed so quickly.

So quickly that she could only watch as the life of one of her dearest people reached its end…

Three months ago, the unconscious Kitano had spent an entire day undergoing emergency treatment at the hospital. When the unresponsive Kitano was finally wheeled out, Rudolf could hardly believe that a single day could make a person seem ten years older, ravaged to the point that she almost could not recognize him.

And after that emergency treatment, Kitano could no longer walk. Rudolf watched with her own eyes as he was confined to a wheelchair from then on… yet he still wore that same gentle, peaceable smile she remembered.

But… that familiar smile made Rudolf feel so suffocated with pain that it was as if her breathing had stopped. Only then did she finally understand why, the first time she had met Kitano in her memories, he had smiled so gently, as though he had no quarrel with the world.

It was the kindness of someone who had calmly accepted his fate, someone who had long known his life was destined to be taken by illness, and had reached a kind of enlightenment. Because he knew what the worst possible outcome was, and knew he would have to face it sooner or later, a person who used every second of life to enjoy living… would never quarrel with anyone.

…

After Kitano was confined to a wheelchair, he became even more diligent than before. He did not slacken in his guidance of Tokai Teio because of his illness. He even handed many of his notes to Rudolf so that she could train Teio in his place while he was sick. He had also begun recommending student council members to Rudolf, saying that he had recently been watching a newly debuted Umamusume named Narita Brian, that she was a good prospect and would definitely be able to help her in the future.

Everything Kitano did… Rudolf saw it all. But most of the time, she would rather not pay attention to any of it. She could not bear to see Kitano like this… as though he had realized his days were numbered and wanted to arrange everything he would leave behind as quickly as possible.

What Rudolf found even harder to understand was that during Kitano’s illness, Mr. C.B.—the one who had replaced her at Kitano’s side, the “perfect partner”—never changed her attitude toward Kitano.

C.B. was not anxious because of Kitano’s severe illness, nor did she cry in grief because the man she liked was lying in a hospital bed. The feeling she gave Rudolf was as though Kitano had not fallen ill at all.

C.B. did not stay constantly by the gravely ill Kitano’s side. Nor did she put her own affairs behind her because of Kitano’s condition. Rudolf could still see Mr. C.B. remembering to watch the kabuki she was interested in, and remembering to sprint through the wind and rain whenever it poured—even though her Trainer was lying in a hospital!

And what Rudolf found even more impossible to accept was… Kitano knew all of it. Yet just as he had in her memories, he showed not the slightest dissatisfaction with anything Mr. C.B. did. He accepted every part of her behavior, and even smiled in relief from time to time because of it.

No, no. You don’t need to accept her like this—you could be angry. Why are you tolerating her like this?

If it were me, if it were me, I would never do what she’s doing, Kitano. I would stay by your side and take care of you every moment. Even if you had long since forgotten me, there is no way I could just watch you fight your illness alone!

I want to tell you I’m right here beside you. I want you to know that I’m the person from your forgotten past…

But Rudolf’s refusal to accept it could not stop Kitano’s life from draining away day by day… She did not know that over the months to come, she would witness with her own eyes the way Kitano was ravaged by illness to the very end, and she would remain powerless forever.

…

Two months ago, Kitano collapsed again. This time was far more serious than the last. After Kitano was discharged from the hospital a week later, he had even lost his appetite for food. He had lost a great deal of weight, making his already rather thin body look much weaker than before.

And one month ago… Kitano’s condition worsened even further. This time, he could barely remain seated in his wheelchair. All he could do was lie in bed, clinging to life through nutrient IV drips…

…

“Even if treatment continues, it will only add to his suffering… With the current state of medicine, it is impossible to save him.”

“Perhaps, if he agrees, we can allow him to be released in a gentler way, while he is still conscious enough to make certain decisions…”

“I don’t care!” When even the attending physician could no longer bear to watch Kitano continue to suffer like this and began to speak to Rudolf in a relatively direct way, Rudolf roared as if someone had hit a raw nerve. Her voice was so loud that everyone in the entire building could hear it clearly.

“I want him alive! I don’t care what method you use, I don’t care how much money it takes—I want him alive!”

Rudolf knew her decision was selfish. She watched Kitano live in such agony, fighting death at every moment. She knew perhaps euthanasia was the best choice for Kitano… But she still chose to be willful one final time—until the day still came.

That day, Kitano was unexpectedly energetic… at least better than he had been on any day that month. And he seemed to have sensed something. He called everyone he cared about to the hospital. There were some final words he wanted to say to them.

When it was Rudolf’s turn, Kitano could barely even speak anymore. Still, he struggled to hold Rudolf’s hand, just like the day before she had gone to the Symboli family to receive training and they had been separated, and repeatedly instructed her:

“Rudolf… I’m truly sorry for making you see me like this. But there are some things I still want to ask of you.”

“I’m about to leave, but I can’t stop worrying about Teio… I know you’re close to Teio, almost as if she were your daughter, so I hope that after I die, you can help Teio move on from my death. Don’t let me affect the road ahead of her.”

“Believe me. In the future, she will absolutely become an Umamusume who loses to no one. As long as she can endure several transformations… you need to help her through those hardships. Can you do that?”

“I know. I know.” Rudolf’s voice would not stop trembling as she choked out her answer before Kitano. Before she realized it, tears were already streaming down her face. Facing Kitano’s final request, she gripped his hand tightly and said urgently:

“Teio respects and loves you like a father, like an older brother… I’ll tell her. I’ll always take care of her.”

“…Then there is one more thing.” After receiving Rudolf’s answer, Kitano forced a relieved smile onto his face. He looked at Rudolf, trying several times to open his mouth, but under Rudolf’s trembling gaze, it was as though something were lodged in his throat. He hesitated again and again.

He seemed afraid. He seemed to be hesitating over whether to say something to Rudolf. In the end, after a long silence, Kitano condensed all his feelings toward Rudolf into one simple, genuine sentence, and said softly:

“Please, take care of yourself too, Rudolf. I’ve also… never been able to stop worrying about you.”

…

…Rudolf did not know how she left the hospital room. She only knew that while her mind was blank and all she could do was sit on a hospital chair in bleak sorrow, Mr. C.B. had already walked wordlessly into the room to make her final farewell to her Trainer.

She did not know how much time passed. At last, with the sound of the hospital room door opening, Rudolf, still blankly shedding tears even now, instinctively raised her head. Only then did she realize that Mr. C.B. had already stepped out of Kitano’s room. She gently closed the door, as if afraid to disturb the person inside, her movements so careful.

What made Rudolf’s eyes tremble even more was that Mr. C.B., who had walked out of the hospital room, had not a trace of expression on her face… It was as if she had forgotten to cry, forgotten the emotion called grief. Rudolf only saw her close her eyes and take a deep breath. Then the corners of her lips actually lifted once more into… that same smile as always, as though she did not care about anything.

After doing all of that, C.B. turned her gaze back to Rudolf. Her tone was deliberately light as she said, word by word:

“…Rudolf, Trainer-san said he wants to go home. Could I trouble you to help me take Trainer-san home?”

“…What happened to him?”

She clearly knew the answer to that question. Yet in that moment, Rudolf’s mind was completely blank, and she could not read C.B.’s meaning from that face that showed no trace of sorrow. She only stood up in confusion, walked to C.B., and questioned her on instinct alone.

“Don’t make me say something so cruel out loud, Rudolf. Please.”

Though she said that, C.B. still maintained her expression. As she looked at Rudolf before her, and saw Rudolf’s eyes gradually shift from vacant to furious, she fell into a small silence. Even so, she continued, still utterly calm:

“Trainer-san didn’t want us to sink into grief. He said he hoped we could begin new lives. So, just like I promised Trainer-san before, after he leaves, I’ll continue walking on my own.”

“So, Rudolf, you should accept all of this too. Trainer-san, he has already…”

The next instant, however, C.B.’s words were cut off. Rudolf, enraged, yanked her forward by the collar. In that moment, C.B. saw in Rudolf’s hate-filled eyes a madness born of utter despair.

“You bastard!”

The words were practically roared out of the frenzied Rudolf. She glared fixedly at Mr. C.B. before her with a hatred that seemed ready to devour her alive.

She could never have imagined that this woman would not even shed a single tear for him. She could never have imagined that the person who had taken the place that should have belonged to her would actually be someone like this. Someone like this!

What right does someone like you have to monopolize his love?! Give his love back. Give back the love that should have belonged to me!

Rudolf’s eyes screamed those words. But now, she no longer wanted to bother with C.B. She shoved C.B. aside and charged into the hospital room alone.

“Kitano—”

Rudolf called that name one last time. She rushed into the room and locked her gaze on Kitano in the hospital bed, but it was already too late.

Ryuichi Kitano now lay peacefully on the hospital bed with his eyes closed.

His hands were neatly folded over his abdomen. There was not the slightest pain or struggle in his expression. It was as if he had completed every wish, finished everything he needed to do, and… had no regrets left.

But he did not know that though he had passed away without regrets, he had left behind a pitiful girl whose heart was full of remorse, full of regret.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

With a heart-rending howl of pain, Rudolf seemed to have all the strength drained from her body at once. She collapsed powerlessly, large, beadlike tears spilling unstoppably from her eyes. One of her hands kept pounding against her own chest, as if a great piece of her heart had been torn out by force.

And whether Rudolf’s anguished scream shook the room, or some unseen hand had arranged it so, Kitano’s hand, which had originally rested peacefully on his abdomen, slowly slipped down.

At that moment, a tiny, faintly shining little object also fell slowly from Kitano’s palm. It rolled for a while, and the small accessory Kitano had so carefully wrapped in his hands landed, by chance or misfortune, right in front of Rudolf.

It was a cheap plastic heart pendant.

Perhaps because too much time had passed, the chain of the necklace had long since been lost. Only this small pendant remained. Though some parts showed obvious scratches and fading, the condition in which it had been preserved made it clear that its owner had treasured this tiny gift dearly, even carefully enclosing it beneath both hands before death.

This is… With trembling hands, Rudolf carefully picked up the heart pendant. And when she finally made out the tiny pendant’s shape, a corner of a memory she had recalled countless times finally allowed her to recognize this token that symbolized a promise.

After more than ten years, she had never imagined she would see it again in this way… In fact, even she herself only remembered their promise to meet again, and had forgotten this tiny token in a corner of her memories.

But one person still remembered. He had always remembered this promise. He had always been looking forward to returning this token to her with his own hands, just as they had promised.

He had always remembered… But why had she only understood it all now?

“What have I done… What… have I done…?”

“Why didn’t I tell him…? He didn’t forget me. He clearly… never forgot me at all…”

She had so many words, so much love and longing, that she had wanted to tell him.

But there would never be another chance. Never again… He had taken her love, her memories, and every beautiful thing she had, and buried them all with him in the grave.

Having lost her love twice, from now on, there would never again be anyone in this world worth loving.

T/N: AHFAISFHASFHAISFHAISFHIASHIFSA WHAT THE FUCK

This is a fan translation of 时日无多的训练员只想活下去 by 许氏子谦 Rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!