I, Kiriko, the Cheater! [65]

“Fuck, I never should’ve cheaped out on buying a blast-proof steel plate! Wait… when you say ‘scared to death,’ what do you mean? Wasn’t it because I got… y’know?!”

“N-No… hahaha… not that… You were reading a novel, got sleepy and fell asleep, and then you dreamed that you…”

Aqua curled the index finger and thumb of her left hand into a ring, then slid her right thumb through it.

“You thought you were, y’know… and then you died on the spot—in your dream…”

This goddess-gone-wrong didn’t just laugh. She laughed so hard she kept slapping the desk, making it thump and rattle.

“Honestly, ever since I started guiding reincarnations, I’ve seen a lot. I’ve seen people get stabbed protecting their juniors. I’ve seen engineers die from overwork. I’ve seen fired employees shoved onto subway tracks…”

“But I’ve never seen such a fresh, refined way to die. I have to say, Mr. Kiriko, your death is truly creative. You’re even more outstanding than ‘work-yourself-to-death’ Shi Xiu, more outstanding than a Victoria’s Secret lingerie show, even more outstanding than—”

This so-called “goddess” made absolutely no effort to hide her shrill laughter, cackling with a kind of proud abandon.

“AAAAAAAH! Shut up! I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to hear it!”

Kiriko clapped both hands over his ears.

After being mocked by this lunatic goddess for a full ten minutes, she finally laughed herself out and—at last—got down to business.

“Anyway, your previous life is over. But don’t be afraid. You have two choices now.”

Aqua held up two fingers.

“One, reincarnate into another world and start a new life as a new person. Two, stay in the Heaven Retirement Home and live up to the name.”

With the thick skin unique to shut-ins, Kiriko accepted the premise that he’d dropped dead on the spot surprisingly fast.

“Can I ask what the Heaven Retirement Home is?”

“Didn’t I just say? It’s exactly what it sounds like—a place for you to retire. Back in the day all you could do was sunbathe and brag with your ancestors. Later, the higher-ups decided to ‘improve the environment’ and bought a few tape recorders, so now some of the old folks don’t even sunbathe—they spend all day doing public-square dance workouts.”

“What about computers? Phones? If there’s none of that, what kind of heaven is it?”

“What do old people need computers and phones for? They can’t use them anyway. Better to save the budget for me… Might as well not waste the money.”

“You just let something slip, didn’t you? You absolutely just let something slip.”

Aqua cleared her throat twice and forcefully changed the subject.

“Now, choose. Do you want to go to heaven, or be reborn and start a brand-new life in another world?”

It was a stupid question. No computer, no phone, stuck all day with old folks doing square-dance aerobics—anyone with a brain knew the answer.

“I choose the other world.”

Aqua wore an expression that said: I knew you’d pick that.

“Okay. Normally, reincarnating into another world means starting as a baby and losing all memories of your previous life. But because you’re just too outstanding—hey, hey, it’s just a little joke, don’t get mad—so I’ll make a special exception. You can reincarnate in this body, and you can keep all your past-life memories. And not only that…”

“You can also choose to bring one thing with you to the other world—whether it’s a powerful ability or an epic weapon.”

Aqua walked over and put a tablet into Kiriko’s hands.

Displayed on the screen were the “abilities” Aqua had mentioned.

There were options like “Excalibur,” “Wicked Lord’s True Eye,” “Some Gay Guy Is Unzipping My Fly,” “98K,” and so on…

But at the very bottom was one more line—Custom Ability.

Kiriko tapped Custom Ability and found that the page was completely blank.

So he could really set everything himself?

He glanced at Aqua, only to see the idiot goddess had produced a bag of chips from who-knew-where and was munching away, looking like watching him was less interesting than watching the chips.

Whatever. If it doesn’t work, I’ll deal with it then.

So Kiriko started typing.

…

[Ability Name]: SWORD ART ONLINE

[Ability Effects]:

The holder of this ability will automatically gain levels even while doing nothing (no level cap);

For every 5 levels gained, the holder receives one new skill;

For every 1 level gained, the proficiency of all acquired skills increases by 1 (no proficiency cap);

The holder’s appearance automatically becomes Kirito.
…

“I’m done.”

Kiriko handed the tablet back, nervous as hell. Aqua barely glanced at it, then nodded.

“Sure.”

“Seriously? It’s okay?”

Kiriko blinked.

He’d assumed it would be rejected on the spot. Even he thought this custom ability was wildly unfair—but it actually passed.

“…Yeah. No problem. Don’t worry.” Aqua checked the contents on the tablet again. “Oh, right—almost forgot. I said you can keep your past-life memories after reincarnation, but memories of this place have to be erased by regulation. So you’ll only remember up to the part where you fell asleep and dreamed about getting your ass f—”

Before Aqua could finish, Kiriko cut in, frantic.

“Please delete that memory too! Just leave the part where I was reading My Great Sword!”

“Got it.” Aqua smiled sweetly. “Then I wish you smooth sailing in your new life. All right—off you go.”

A magic circle appeared beneath Kiriko’s feet. Bright light flared from it, enveloping him—and when the light vanished, so did Kiriko from the chair.

Aqua printed the ability Kiriko had written onto an A4 sheet. This was the divine contract—once stamped, the ability would be formally inherited by the reincarnator.

Except…

“Who the heck is this Kirito? I’ll look it up.”

Aqua googled it. When she saw the images on the results page, understanding dawned.

Ohhh. So it’s that Kirito. Who knew that boy had tastes like this.

Aqua printed the images she’d found online and stapled them to the divine contract. Then she picked up her stamp and slammed it down hard onto Kiriko’s contract.

…

Aqua—voted Outstanding Employee year after year in the heavens—was, naturally, extremely busy.

Not only did she have to play PC games, she also had to do her actual job—and do both well.

Kiriko was just one reincarnator among countless others she handled, so she didn’t think much of it.

Days passed. Aqua continued guiding reincarnations and playing games.

Until, after who knew how many days, she happened to notice—by pure accident—that she’d assigned Kiriko the wrong gender.

“Meh. It probably won’t cause too many problems,” Aqua thought.

She kept thinking that—right up until one day, when she was drinking with the BOSS. The BOSS got drunk and, without meaning to, said something that chilled her to the bone.

“Damn it, Aqua, you know what? They just formed some new ‘Reincarnator Rights Protection Organization.’ Bunch of people with nothing better to do—meddling in reincarnators’ business. The complaints lately are driving me crazy. But you, Aqua—you’re great. Truly an outstanding employee. Out of all these reincarnation goddesses, you’re the only one who’s never made a mistake…”

“But Aqua—you’ve gotta keep it up. If even you start messing up… you know I have high expectations for you. So you definitely don’t want to find out what happens when you piss me off.”

For days after drinking with the BOSS, Aqua couldn’t settle down.

She might be an idiot—wise goddess, but even she knew that if her screw-up got discovered, she’d die a truly miserable death.

“Shit… I’ll be lucky if I’m still allowed to be a trainee goddess…”

They say desperation makes you smart. Panicking like crazy, Aqua suddenly had a brilliant idea.

Sure, you couldn’t shove a reincarnator back into the womb after they’d already been born into another world.

But you could send her to another world.

As long as she didn’t stay in any single world for too long, the Reincarnator Rights Protection Organization would have a hard time finding her.

And if nobody found out, it didn’t count as a workplace mistake. Which meant her year-end bonus and Outstanding Employee award could keep rolling in.

In that case, what to do was obvious…

A “wise” glint flashed through Aqua’s water-blue eyes.

I, Aqua, truly is the Goddess of Wisdom.

—

T/N: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THATS HOW HE BECAME KIRIKO lmaoooooooooo

This is a fan translation of 我，桐子，封弊者 by 延夏. Rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!